In a deep dark place

In a deep dark place

Why am I in such a deep dark place? On the face of it, there's a reason. After 4 IVF failures, there's plenty of self-doubts and what-ifs in my life. Self confidence is at an all-time low. Jealousy at an all time high. Why am I becoming like this? I was always a compassionate person, always being there for a friend in need. Now, that switch is not only turned off but seems like the electric connection to that has been cut off for good.

Explain? Well, a friend of my DH has been recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The prognosis isn't good. Well, his wife is pregnant and all the time I think of him, I just think - his wife is pregnant. Can't seem to get beyond that. Can't seem to justify her being able to get pregnant even though he had cancer (though undiagnosed). Why was it possible for her and not me? Me me me ..
Why do I catch myself stealing glances and jealous ones I might add at any stranger's pregnant belly? Is this all that's left in my life? Why can't I seem to rise about this IF and become a better person? Its consuming me .. its become an all or nothing thing in my life.

I'm scared how much it has changed me. How can I rise above this? I see it but yet have no desire to change. Like I enjoy being in this deep dark place. When my DH went to visit above friend and came back to tell me how difficult it was to see him in that stage, I didn't feel anything. Nothing .. no compassion, no pain, nothing. How could I let myself be consumed by this rage/anger/jealousy? I'm not in denial but I have no emotional strength to not feel the way I'm feeling.