I just saw a post at another blog site and just made the connection. Infertility or IF in short can be best described as a series of "what ifs".
What if I can't get pregnant on my own? What if I don't have the money to do an IVF cycle? What if IVF treatment fails? What if all my treatments fail? If I succeed, I keep thinking my "what ifs" will change but they won't leave me. What if the baby isn't healthy? What if I can't carry to term?
Nothing says IF more to me than the self doubt and lack of hope that these "what ifs" bring.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Mouring the loss of a friend
Today, I'm mourning the loss of my friend whom I posted about in yesterday's post. She came by my house yesterday and broke the news that she is indeed pregnant - has been for 3 months. I feel very happy for her. I'm glad that she didn't have to go through what I'm going through. That it worked on the first attempt for her.
What broke my heart was that she didn't feel comfortable telling me till yesterday. This is after she's sat with me while I cried my heart out after my last IVF failure. She's been there for me to lean on. However, she didn't feel I'd be friend enough for her to lean on during a rough first trimester? Why? Because she was scared I wouldn't feel happy for her? Or, was she scared I'd jinx her success? She didn't show enough trust in me to tell me this news sooner. I shared lots of my IVF details with her because I felt I could trust her. She didn't share her pregnancy.
There goes another friend. I've lost so many to IF that I can't keep count. In fact, I'm afraid to make friends anymore because I feel its only till they get pregnant. Then they want nothing to do with the bad energy IF brings.
I cried and cried last night after she left. I couldn't understand why I was crying so hard. I'm coming to terms with my fate. So, why was I so sad. This morning, I understood it was because I'd lost another friend to IF.
If there's anyone out there reading this, tell me how you manage to have friends anymore?
IF: 3; Tpid: 0
What broke my heart was that she didn't feel comfortable telling me till yesterday. This is after she's sat with me while I cried my heart out after my last IVF failure. She's been there for me to lean on. However, she didn't feel I'd be friend enough for her to lean on during a rough first trimester? Why? Because she was scared I wouldn't feel happy for her? Or, was she scared I'd jinx her success? She didn't show enough trust in me to tell me this news sooner. I shared lots of my IVF details with her because I felt I could trust her. She didn't share her pregnancy.
There goes another friend. I've lost so many to IF that I can't keep count. In fact, I'm afraid to make friends anymore because I feel its only till they get pregnant. Then they want nothing to do with the bad energy IF brings.
I cried and cried last night after she left. I couldn't understand why I was crying so hard. I'm coming to terms with my fate. So, why was I so sad. This morning, I understood it was because I'd lost another friend to IF.
If there's anyone out there reading this, tell me how you manage to have friends anymore?
IF: 3; Tpid: 0
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Baby steps - towards growing up
I'm taking a baby step towards growing up
I feel like I finally took a baby step at growing up and accepting infertility. All this while, I've cursed IF - it has taken so much from me. I planned to have a baby by 30 - all settled down, finally "grown up" (I'm an only child, so have always been pampered and babied). Needless to say, growing up has less to do with age than maturity. I have felt every pain through this struggle, not knowing how to handle my hurting heart. I cursed my fate, the fact that people were insensitive, that this was an incurable disease yet I had no support since I couldn't discuss such personal issues with them. Everytime a stranger asked why I had no babies, I wanted to hold a sign up for how much it hurt me. I stopped speaking to folks who I knew would always ask about babies. Avoidance became the best policy.
Well, Sat night, met a bunch of friends for dinner. All except one have kids. So, they don't really understand what it is to go through my situation even though they try very hard. This one friend who doesn't have kids just started trying. From the dinner conversation, it seemed that she was pregnant. I don't know for sure since she hasn't told me yet. But the pointers were all there. I came home - in shock. Here I was trying for 4-5 years; numerous procedures, yet no closer to an answer. She just started and here she is. I cried myself to sleep. Thought this is it, I can't take the pain anymore.
Sunday, I had a awakening.
A *baby* step growing up
This is my new reality. Here I am at the cusp of my last IVF procedure. I make one more attempt to find an answer. I have had zero - zero BFPs. Never seen a positive preg test (hence the name of the blog). The reality of getting success is very low. I believe in the poower of positive thinking, yet I am a pragmatist at heart. How long can I keep the wolves at bay? People will ask and it will get worse with every passing year. I can't really cut myself off from the world, can I? I have to man up and face the consequences, accept my fate. Its my reality.
With that realization, a peace has come over me. I feel the strength to feel joy in my friend's joy. IF is such a beast. Everything was about me - only me. I have to learn to see beyond IF, to imagine a life of happiness and love regardless of the outcome of this IVF cycle. I owe this to my husband and me.
I feel like I finally took a baby step at growing up and accepting infertility. All this while, I've cursed IF - it has taken so much from me. I planned to have a baby by 30 - all settled down, finally "grown up" (I'm an only child, so have always been pampered and babied). Needless to say, growing up has less to do with age than maturity. I have felt every pain through this struggle, not knowing how to handle my hurting heart. I cursed my fate, the fact that people were insensitive, that this was an incurable disease yet I had no support since I couldn't discuss such personal issues with them. Everytime a stranger asked why I had no babies, I wanted to hold a sign up for how much it hurt me. I stopped speaking to folks who I knew would always ask about babies. Avoidance became the best policy.
Well, Sat night, met a bunch of friends for dinner. All except one have kids. So, they don't really understand what it is to go through my situation even though they try very hard. This one friend who doesn't have kids just started trying. From the dinner conversation, it seemed that she was pregnant. I don't know for sure since she hasn't told me yet. But the pointers were all there. I came home - in shock. Here I was trying for 4-5 years; numerous procedures, yet no closer to an answer. She just started and here she is. I cried myself to sleep. Thought this is it, I can't take the pain anymore.
Sunday, I had a awakening.
A *baby* step growing up
This is my new reality. Here I am at the cusp of my last IVF procedure. I make one more attempt to find an answer. I have had zero - zero BFPs. Never seen a positive preg test (hence the name of the blog). The reality of getting success is very low. I believe in the poower of positive thinking, yet I am a pragmatist at heart. How long can I keep the wolves at bay? People will ask and it will get worse with every passing year. I can't really cut myself off from the world, can I? I have to man up and face the consequences, accept my fate. Its my reality.
With that realization, a peace has come over me. I feel the strength to feel joy in my friend's joy. IF is such a beast. Everything was about me - only me. I have to learn to see beyond IF, to imagine a life of happiness and love regardless of the outcome of this IVF cycle. I owe this to my husband and me.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tears ...
Watching the IVF clip Today show on msnbc.com is what brought this post out.
Thank you Jessica for truly portraying what an unsuccessful IF feels like. No one, not even those who've gone through IVF once or twice and had success, can even imagine what its like to go though this pain - both emotional and physical and still come home empty handed.
That clip just hit home. The depression when you hear others 'good news'; the jealousy when you see a baby belly to the outright anger at having to deal with this. Furthermore, as you go through more and more of these attempts, the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting dimmer and dimmer.
Thank you for putting into words what so many of us are feeling.
Thank you Jessica for truly portraying what an unsuccessful IF feels like. No one, not even those who've gone through IVF once or twice and had success, can even imagine what its like to go though this pain - both emotional and physical and still come home empty handed.
That clip just hit home. The depression when you hear others 'good news'; the jealousy when you see a baby belly to the outright anger at having to deal with this. Furthermore, as you go through more and more of these attempts, the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting dimmer and dimmer.
Thank you for putting into words what so many of us are feeling.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
In a deep dark place
In a deep dark place
Why am I in such a deep dark place? On the face of it, there's a reason. After 4 IVF failures, there's plenty of self-doubts and what-ifs in my life. Self confidence is at an all-time low. Jealousy at an all time high. Why am I becoming like this? I was always a compassionate person, always being there for a friend in need. Now, that switch is not only turned off but seems like the electric connection to that has been cut off for good.
Explain? Well, a friend of my DH has been recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The prognosis isn't good. Well, his wife is pregnant and all the time I think of him, I just think - his wife is pregnant. Can't seem to get beyond that. Can't seem to justify her being able to get pregnant even though he had cancer (though undiagnosed). Why was it possible for her and not me? Me me me ..
Why do I catch myself stealing glances and jealous ones I might add at any stranger's pregnant belly? Is this all that's left in my life? Why can't I seem to rise about this IF and become a better person? Its consuming me .. its become an all or nothing thing in my life.
I'm scared how much it has changed me. How can I rise above this? I see it but yet have no desire to change. Like I enjoy being in this deep dark place. When my DH went to visit above friend and came back to tell me how difficult it was to see him in that stage, I didn't feel anything. Nothing .. no compassion, no pain, nothing. How could I let myself be consumed by this rage/anger/jealousy? I'm not in denial but I have no emotional strength to not feel the way I'm feeling.
Why am I in such a deep dark place? On the face of it, there's a reason. After 4 IVF failures, there's plenty of self-doubts and what-ifs in my life. Self confidence is at an all-time low. Jealousy at an all time high. Why am I becoming like this? I was always a compassionate person, always being there for a friend in need. Now, that switch is not only turned off but seems like the electric connection to that has been cut off for good.
Explain? Well, a friend of my DH has been recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The prognosis isn't good. Well, his wife is pregnant and all the time I think of him, I just think - his wife is pregnant. Can't seem to get beyond that. Can't seem to justify her being able to get pregnant even though he had cancer (though undiagnosed). Why was it possible for her and not me? Me me me ..
Why do I catch myself stealing glances and jealous ones I might add at any stranger's pregnant belly? Is this all that's left in my life? Why can't I seem to rise about this IF and become a better person? Its consuming me .. its become an all or nothing thing in my life.
I'm scared how much it has changed me. How can I rise above this? I see it but yet have no desire to change. Like I enjoy being in this deep dark place. When my DH went to visit above friend and came back to tell me how difficult it was to see him in that stage, I didn't feel anything. Nothing .. no compassion, no pain, nothing. How could I let myself be consumed by this rage/anger/jealousy? I'm not in denial but I have no emotional strength to not feel the way I'm feeling.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Lessons Learnt
They say that you can learn something from every little thing happening around you. Well, I've gone through a number of IVF cycles, so I thought I'd say what I learnt from this last one.
a) Don't take yourself too seriously. Life is a great leveling experience. It all balances out. I say that because I think I used to take myself too seriously. I had to do things the right way, I was opinionated, tried to be too perfect in areas I could control. Now, who cares. Follow your heart and do what you really want to do. Want to be perfect in an area, sure .. its a wonderful idea but don't forget to have fun while doing it.
b) No more wallowing in self pity - yeah sure I wish things could be different. But in Dr. Randy Pausch's words - you cannot change the cards you have been dealt - just how you play the hand. And he knew what he was talking since being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.
c) Its all cyclic - there are days where you will feel the courage to go on, others where the wind would be knocked out of your sails.
a) Don't take yourself too seriously. Life is a great leveling experience. It all balances out. I say that because I think I used to take myself too seriously. I had to do things the right way, I was opinionated, tried to be too perfect in areas I could control. Now, who cares. Follow your heart and do what you really want to do. Want to be perfect in an area, sure .. its a wonderful idea but don't forget to have fun while doing it.
b) No more wallowing in self pity - yeah sure I wish things could be different. But in Dr. Randy Pausch's words - you cannot change the cards you have been dealt - just how you play the hand. And he knew what he was talking since being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.
c) Its all cyclic - there are days where you will feel the courage to go on, others where the wind would be knocked out of your sails.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I will find good things about today .. I will .. I will
Today began as a very difficult day. I'm in the 2ww of a fresh IVF cycle. Anyone who's been through this process knows how stressful it can be. Anyone who's had failures can attest to the stress even
more. I have been very very stressed since yesterday. Partially because I read an article that pretty much took the wind out of my sails - an article from Dr. Sher saying that a 100% dq alpha match was almost impossible to fix. Partially, because my beta is two days from today and I've been spotting since my transfer and the spotting seemed to get heavier.
So, I've decided not to fixate on the results and instead work on the present. From the Geeta:
You have the right to do your duty, not to the results.
“Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana, Ma Karma Phala Hetur Bhurmatey Sangostva Akarmani”
So, I will write down 5 good things about my day today
1) I'm still pregnant - until I don't get a negative test, I'm not giving up on my 3 embrobabies. I will enjoy my time with my babies
2) I've been blessed with a kind, loving husband - who listens to all my tempers without saying a word. I've been so stressed that I've lashed out at him but he's taking it all in without a word
3) I bought a new purse - a burberry from my visit to NY. I'm carrying it for the 1st time and loving it.
4) I concentrated on work despite all my feelings
5) Major accomplishment for me - I turned what could have been a very negative day into a positive one - gathered strength to wait patiently for good things to come. Lived the Geeta shloka above the
way it was meant to be.
more. I have been very very stressed since yesterday. Partially because I read an article that pretty much took the wind out of my sails - an article from Dr. Sher saying that a 100% dq alpha match was almost impossible to fix. Partially, because my beta is two days from today and I've been spotting since my transfer and the spotting seemed to get heavier.
So, I've decided not to fixate on the results and instead work on the present. From the Geeta:
You have the right to do your duty, not to the results.
“Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana, Ma Karma Phala Hetur Bhurmatey Sangostva Akarmani”
So, I will write down 5 good things about my day today
1) I'm still pregnant - until I don't get a negative test, I'm not giving up on my 3 embrobabies. I will enjoy my time with my babies
2) I've been blessed with a kind, loving husband - who listens to all my tempers without saying a word. I've been so stressed that I've lashed out at him but he's taking it all in without a word
3) I bought a new purse - a burberry from my visit to NY. I'm carrying it for the 1st time and loving it.
4) I concentrated on work despite all my feelings
5) Major accomplishment for me - I turned what could have been a very negative day into a positive one - gathered strength to wait patiently for good things to come. Lived the Geeta shloka above the
way it was meant to be.
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