Since today is my very first blog, I'm in the mood for a bonus. So, here goes my second posting:
How often have we heard that its not the destination that counts. Its the journey. Nothing could be truer in case of IF. I read a wonderful poem today that further enforced it. For a while, I've been thinking of writing a blog, not about my IF struggles but how it has changed me and made me a woman from a girl. Let me first paste the poem
The journey from infertility to family,
someone once said,
is like taking a train ride;
Never knowing whether
you'll reach your desired destination.
There are plenty of stops along the ride.
And each of the passengers
makes it's own decision
when its time to get off.
Some never need to take the train.
Others ride it for a lifetime.
But whether you reach your destination or not,
pay attention to the journey.
If you will,
as painful as it is,
it may reward you in unexpected ways.
New York, December 2000
(c) 2000 Ronen Divon, All Rights Reserved.
I've always referred to IF as waiting for my turn to get off the train. I'm ready, just am waiting for my turn. If I could count the ways IF had changed me, I would start with this one: I have become an optimist. I've gone through 2 IUIs,2 fresh IVF and 1 FET cycles in the past 18 months. This last IVF cycle made me an optimist. Not because I got a positive beta. No, my beta was always the same as before - negative. However, somewhere along the way, I found the courage to face upto the challenges and say they will not define me, not defeat me. I am now more hopeful than before that I will bear a child. I was very cautious going into all previous cycles except the last one. For this one, I started turning a new leaf, cautiously trying to tell I'm ready and this is my time. Of course, when you have to say it to make yourself believe it, you aren't there yet. This was this breaking point in my cycle where I started intrinsically believing it. So, if this IF train journey has taught me anything, its to keep an open mind, enjoy the journey. Its the journey that counts, not the destination.
Think about it, our entire life is a journey. What's the destination? Death? So, why not enjoy the journey, enjoy the previous life we've been so lucky to get.
Like I said before, this isn't a learn from my life blog. Its just a document of how IF changed me and my perceptions. Maybe one day when my kid is misbehaving, I can go back to this blog and forget my anger :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Introduction
Hi,
My very first blog post. How do I start? My blog is about my experiences and thoughts while fighting my biggest fight so far - Infertility. Lets see, where do I start? Ok .. why not from the beginning. I've been married 5 and a half years now. Started TTC in 2005 or well I thought I was TTCing by going off bc pills. Little did I know about the long journey ahead. After trying on our own for a year and a half, we saw an ob/gyn who ran the usual FSH/LH and HSG tests and labelled us "unexplained" and told us to see a specialist. We sat on that decision for a few months. After all, going to see an infertility specialist is a big thing in of itself.
We finally bit the bullet and saw an RE. He suggested IVF, but we asked him to try IUI on us first. So, 1st IUI was in Feb 08 - 1 follice. BFN. I hated the transfer. Well, he summarized that we didn't have enough follices, so we moved to stronger meds. This time BFN as well. The nurse who was supposed to do the IUI gave up on the transfer since I was such a tough case and had the RE do it himself.
Then, we took a break. Ate healthy, exercised and did lots of accupuncture. Finally, feeling like we were ready, did IVF # 1 in Sep 08. 10 eggs retrived, 8 fertilized and we got 4 blasts. Transferred 2 and froze the other 2. BFN. Dec 08 - transferred the frozen 2 blasts. BFN. RE called both picture perfect. Got back in the game in May 09 after taking another break. Ultrasound revealed uterine polyp, so right before the cycle start, I had it removed. This time, we changed our protocol to do Lupron instead of the previous Antagon. Retrieved 15, only 2 fertilized on day 1. Another 2 fertilized on day 2. Transferred all 4 on day 2. BFN as well.
Here we are in Aug 09 - preparing to climb another cliff in this mountain range, hoping to conquer this challenge and be victorious. Will we succeed? I sure hope and pray. Join me as I jot down my thoughts and look for hope on a pee stick.
My very first blog post. How do I start? My blog is about my experiences and thoughts while fighting my biggest fight so far - Infertility. Lets see, where do I start? Ok .. why not from the beginning. I've been married 5 and a half years now. Started TTC in 2005 or well I thought I was TTCing by going off bc pills. Little did I know about the long journey ahead. After trying on our own for a year and a half, we saw an ob/gyn who ran the usual FSH/LH and HSG tests and labelled us "unexplained" and told us to see a specialist. We sat on that decision for a few months. After all, going to see an infertility specialist is a big thing in of itself.
We finally bit the bullet and saw an RE. He suggested IVF, but we asked him to try IUI on us first. So, 1st IUI was in Feb 08 - 1 follice. BFN. I hated the transfer. Well, he summarized that we didn't have enough follices, so we moved to stronger meds. This time BFN as well. The nurse who was supposed to do the IUI gave up on the transfer since I was such a tough case and had the RE do it himself.
Then, we took a break. Ate healthy, exercised and did lots of accupuncture. Finally, feeling like we were ready, did IVF # 1 in Sep 08. 10 eggs retrived, 8 fertilized and we got 4 blasts. Transferred 2 and froze the other 2. BFN. Dec 08 - transferred the frozen 2 blasts. BFN. RE called both picture perfect. Got back in the game in May 09 after taking another break. Ultrasound revealed uterine polyp, so right before the cycle start, I had it removed. This time, we changed our protocol to do Lupron instead of the previous Antagon. Retrieved 15, only 2 fertilized on day 1. Another 2 fertilized on day 2. Transferred all 4 on day 2. BFN as well.
Here we are in Aug 09 - preparing to climb another cliff in this mountain range, hoping to conquer this challenge and be victorious. Will we succeed? I sure hope and pray. Join me as I jot down my thoughts and look for hope on a pee stick.
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