Today, I'm mourning the loss of my friend whom I posted about in yesterday's post. She came by my house yesterday and broke the news that she is indeed pregnant - has been for 3 months. I feel very happy for her. I'm glad that she didn't have to go through what I'm going through. That it worked on the first attempt for her.
What broke my heart was that she didn't feel comfortable telling me till yesterday. This is after she's sat with me while I cried my heart out after my last IVF failure. She's been there for me to lean on. However, she didn't feel I'd be friend enough for her to lean on during a rough first trimester? Why? Because she was scared I wouldn't feel happy for her? Or, was she scared I'd jinx her success? She didn't show enough trust in me to tell me this news sooner. I shared lots of my IVF details with her because I felt I could trust her. She didn't share her pregnancy.
There goes another friend. I've lost so many to IF that I can't keep count. In fact, I'm afraid to make friends anymore because I feel its only till they get pregnant. Then they want nothing to do with the bad energy IF brings.
I cried and cried last night after she left. I couldn't understand why I was crying so hard. I'm coming to terms with my fate. So, why was I so sad. This morning, I understood it was because I'd lost another friend to IF.
If there's anyone out there reading this, tell me how you manage to have friends anymore?
IF: 3; Tpid: 0
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Oh boy do I know how you feel!! I could have written that post myself. I am so sorry that you have to go through this crap... it's not fair...for any of us!
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about you~
I went through something so so similar. One of my friends was pregnant as we failed our first IVF. She couldn't tell me. I had my suspicions but she finally blurted it out one day on the phone at the end of a really long conversation, where I could tell she wanted to tell me something...
ReplyDeleteI was so hurt. I hated that she was cheering me on during my IVF cycle all the while knowing she was pregnant without any real effort on her part. It was a strange feeling, and I felt so betrayed.
I didn't lose the friendship...but it's been rocky at times. I tried to put myself in her shoes...she told me she had fertile guilt...but I was still sad because of the two of us, her fertile guilt is way easier to deal with than my IF.
I'm sorry you are going through this. IF does a number on so many relationships. I wish I had some sage advice, but I don't.
Thanks for your comment on my blog, too :)
I don't talk to anyone about it, which isn't any better.
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