Baby steps - towards growing up

I'm taking a baby step towards growing up

I feel like I finally took a baby step at growing up and accepting infertility. All this while, I've cursed IF - it has taken so much from me. I planned to have a baby by 30 - all settled down, finally "grown up" (I'm an only child, so have always been pampered and babied). Needless to say, growing up has less to do with age than maturity. I have felt every pain through this struggle, not knowing how to handle my hurting heart. I cursed my fate, the fact that people were insensitive, that this was an incurable disease yet I had no support since I couldn't discuss such personal issues with them. Everytime a stranger asked why I had no babies, I wanted to hold a sign up for how much it hurt me. I stopped speaking to folks who I knew would always ask about babies. Avoidance became the best policy.

Well, Sat night, met a bunch of friends for dinner. All except one have kids. So, they don't really understand what it is to go through my situation even though they try very hard. This one friend who doesn't have kids just started trying. From the dinner conversation, it seemed that she was pregnant. I don't know for sure since she hasn't told me yet. But the pointers were all there. I came home - in shock. Here I was trying for 4-5 years; numerous procedures, yet no closer to an answer. She just started and here she is. I cried myself to sleep. Thought this is it, I can't take the pain anymore.

Sunday, I had a awakening.

A *baby* step growing up

This is my new reality. Here I am at the cusp of my last IVF procedure. I make one more attempt to find an answer. I have had zero - zero BFPs. Never seen a positive preg test (hence the name of the blog). The reality of getting success is very low. I believe in the poower of positive thinking, yet I am a pragmatist at heart. How long can I keep the wolves at bay? People will ask and it will get worse with every passing year. I can't really cut myself off from the world, can I? I have to man up and face the consequences, accept my fate. Its my reality.

With that realization, a peace has come over me. I feel the strength to feel joy in my friend's joy. IF is such a beast. Everything was about me - only me. I have to learn to see beyond IF, to imagine a life of happiness and love regardless of the outcome of this IVF cycle. I owe this to my husband and me.